The Desk

Holy shit, 1989 was an awesome year. It’s the first year I really remember, as I was 7 years old and my family was just about to make one of the most life-altering moves of my life—from the Outer Banks of North Carolina to Fredericksburg, Virginia. Narcissism aside, 1989 was a literal gold mine for modern cinema. And it was a year that closely mirrors that of 2008.

1989 provided the release of License to Kill, starring the fuck all of a Bond, Timothy Dalton; while we will see Daniel Craig again wear the James Bond badge in November’s Quantum of Solace. Not only was Dalton the second most forgettable Bond—the first being sandwiched between two Sean Connery portrayals—but the movie was also the first to completely disregard Ian Fleming’s novels and short stories.

On the contrary, Craig’s Bond rerouted the series back on track with an adaptation of Fleming’s Casino Royale followed by Quantum of Solace, which derives its name from a short story in the Fleming anthology For Your Eyes Only.

Enough about Bond, 1989 also presented the first cinematic portrayal of Batman since the 1966 flick starring Adam West as the Caped Crusader and Burt Ward as his Boy Wonder (no homo). Tim Burton’s Batman was rooted in the dark noir style established by Frank Miller in his Year One graphic novel and reintroduced the world to the Dark Knight rather than West’s jovial, pop portrayal.

Unfortunately Joel Schitmaker brought an end to the geekfest with the Tommy Lee Jones-plagued Batman Forever and the sodomy-plagued Batman & Robin. I mean really. Why do we get to see George Clooney’s codpiece and erect nipples, but not Alicia Silverstone’s? Sexism, I tell ya.

Much like Bond, this of course warranted a reboot. And the powers of Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale have successfully brought that revamping with Batman Begins and its follow-up The Dark Knight, which is due out July 18.

While Quantum of Solace and The Dark Knight are sequels to series reboots, another blockbuster title has already hit the theaters. And although it does not attempt to reinvent an iconic figure, it continues a myth last visited in 1989.

Honestly, though, this ’89 film was of far more interest to me than the cinematic jock itch that was License to Kill. At 7 years old, films that warranted freaking sweet Halloween costumes were much cooler than a character with a shit-eating grin in a tux. I’d rather don a tan jumpsuit with a replica Proton Pack, or a black plastic cowl with a plastic chest protector than have to face the ridicule of teasing children in their gnarly Ninja Turtles costumes.

Perhaps more realistically was the brown leather jacket, matching fedora and whip found at any cheap fair booth. This, of course, was the attire of Indiana Jones—the titular character of a film franchise that began in 1981, seemingly concluded with his LAST Crusade in 1989 and was put on life support in this year’s Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Dr. Jones is now the ripe age of 65—or at least Harrison Ford is—but this does not stop the action star/heart throb/geriatric patient from once again donning his signature garb for what is assumed to be Ford’s last foray into the Indy series. This was a move that was long due in Ford’s career as it has slowly been falling way to cheap Hollywood thrillers and romantic drivel. And let’s face it, George Lucas really nuked the fridge (read: jumped the shark) with the Star Wars prequels/relaunch/rectal prolapse, so there’s not much hope in seeing Han shoot first (again). At 65, this was Ford’s last chance to either do it again or prove that he can keep doing it.

But what exactly is “it?”

Well, it comes in the form of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. A film that carried the burden of a 27-year-old series garnering a wealth of geeks and cosplayers who rival the fanaticism of Star War, Star Trek, Dungeons & Dragons and World of Warcraft fanboys. Fortunately for Lucas, Steven Spielberg and the cast, all it takes are explosions, familiar names and fancy CGI to please American audiences—but it’s the film nerds they should be worried about.

By now, anyone with a television or the INTARWEBS has some kind of idea what the new Indy flick is about. However, just in case you live under a rock: Dr. Jones returns but has moved past the Nazis and is now facing the Russians at the height of the Cold War. And while the Nazis seemed intent on finding sacred Biblical containers that bring supposed invincibility and eternal life, the Soviets saw it more fitting to chase aliens and gain all knowledge. I’m assuming this is linked to the space race, but luckily America has a team of talented Hollywood producers to take it to the next level. So you can take your monkey and shove it, comrades!

All right so it’s obvious that this story has Lucas’ fingerprints all over it. But let’s put his sick obsession with moonmen on the back burner and really take a look at the nature of the Indy Jones films to date.

Criticism has abounded regarding the incorporation of aliens into the series, but this criticism has been on the basis that the idea of extra terrestrials is just too far-fetched. I can only assume those who make this claim about a series that was founded on the discovering of the Ark of the Covenant and the inevitable release of Nazi-melting spirits thought that the discovery of the cup of Christ guarded by an 850-year-old knight was well within the realm of possibility.

I digress … I can certainly see the difference between widely accepted Biblical tales and the still wild notion of life on other planets; but not once during the course of the series has a claim been made that the Indiana Jones character and his adventures are not based on sole fantasy. And fantasy is territory within which Lucas is very comfortable—a master of the craft, even.

Lucas has the incredible ability to create massive worlds that contain tales that have become somewhat of comfort fodder for fans. He manifests likable characters to whom people can relate, and imaginative landscapes built to fit within a concept of realism.

In other words, Lucas has a natural knack to suspend belief; to create worlds in which we can believe we could live. By combining this talent with the idea of Saturday-matinée serials—filmic shorts that, in of themselves, are equally as fantastic as the worlds Lucas creates—he developed a series that brought audiences to the edges of their seats with incredible stories and unbearable cliffhangers coupled with a hodge-podge of romance and cheesy dialogue.

That is the heart of the Indiana Jones series. Nowhere in the 124 minutes of Kingdom of the Crystal Skull did Lucas and Spielberg stray from the original intent of the Indy series. The film presented the audience with an outrageous story rich with humor, romance, action and fantasy; suffice it to say, it suspended belief as much (and maybe a little bit more) than the previous three flicks.

Well then, where did the filmmakers go wrong?

Unfortunately George Lucas owns a little visual effects company known as Industrial Light & Magic. Perhaps you’ve seen their work: Transformers, Harry Potter, Jurassic Park, Star Wars—they’re kind of a big deal.

In any case, as I mentioned before, one of the magic elements in Lucas’ films is the realism present in his vast fantasies. This was somewhat sacrificed in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull due to over abundant use of CGI courtesy of ILM.

Too many times it seemed like Spielberg and/or Lucas felt it best to substitute animations for real-life sets. The biggest example being the mostly computer-generated jungle within which one of the most outrageous chase sequences ever caught on film was “shot.” Notice the quotes; the CGI couldn’t have been any more obvious if the chroma key had been left after post-production.

Not to mention, I have never desired another Ghostbusters cameo more than when prairie dogs kept popping up during the film’s opening sequence in Nevada. And I understand the nod to the classic The New Adventures of Tarzan serial with Shia LaBeouf’s character, Mutt Williams (a.k.a. Henry Jones III), swinging through the CGI forest. But with CGI monkeys? C’mon Lucas, they even pulled off a real chimpanzee in 1935.

So don’t blame the aliens if you felt Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was paltry compared to the rest of the films. Lucas stayed true to the Indiana Jones mythos when he conceived the outrageous plot. Blame Industrial Light & Magic for ripping the realism from a series grounded in the element of fantastic reality. Blame the company responsible for the raping of the Star Wars franchise.

Regardless, I implore you to give the film one more shot. Look past the CGI-gasm and try to remember the excitement of living vicariously through Indiana Jones in your youthful imagination. After all, at 65 years old, is that not what Harrison Ford has accomplished?